My Fault
by blondie2
Summary: Rachel Green's feelings and thoughts of what she must do after Ella takes her ecstasy.
1. deciding

My Fault  
  
by blondie  
  
cdiminyatz@hotmail.com  
  
Please review…I'm warning u though…this is my first ER fanfic…  
  
*this is supposed to take place after Ella took Rachel's ecstasy and is in the hospital.*  
  
I am an idiot. Worse than that even. Idiots are just stupid, but their stupidity doesn't endanger other people! Let alone their own baby sister…  
  
I sat in an empty exam room and hid in a corner. I hadn't turned on the light because I didn't want to see where I had gotten myself into. I didn't deserve the light anyway.  
  
I hadn't even planned on taking it. I had just grabbed the left-overs from a party a few days ago. I remembered how everyone had smiled at the girl who had brought it, even the people who didn't take it. She didn't even take any, but she got the glory of it. She told me later that she had never actually been high, but she got this high-like feeling from seeing the happiness it brought others.  
  
"I'm the Mother Teresa of the stoned high school parties." Then she smiled and gave me what was left from that night.  
  
I could blame her if I wanted to. I could blame Elizabeth for being sick. I could even blame Ella for putting everything in her mouth…but I wasn't going to. I wasn't planning on taking the easy way out.  
  
"SHE COULD'VE DIED! SHE COULD STILL DIE!"  
  
My father's words rang in my ears. I remembered him asking if I was on drugs or had even tried them. The thousands of talks we had had about it. Him casually mentioning at the dinner table an OD he had worked on earlier that day.  
  
But still I am an idiot.  
  
I got myself into this undesirable position. My first thought was to get out of it the quickest way possible.  
  
But I didn't want to leave my father with anymore burdens such as a funeral.  
  
I did have to die for my stupidity though. Nowadays things were too complicated; you kill someone-you get five years to life depending on the circumstances; you attempt to kill someone- five years to life depending on the circumstances.  
  
I have no idea what they do for manslaughter nowadays. But in past they just killed you, or cut off your hand, or put you in the stocks for a few days.  
  
They most likely killed you for manslaughter or possible manslaughter.  
  
I sat in my corner with my knees brought up to my chest and thought out my plan. I had to die-yes that definitely needed to happen, but first I had to get away from Chicago. I needed to get a few cities away, preferably a few states.  
  
I needed to get some place where no one knew me…someplace where I would just be another Jane Doe.  
  
And I needed to get there fast.  
  
*~*~*~*~* Author's Note-I'll only write the next chapter if I get FIVE REVIEWS for this one. So please review-even if it's just to say that it sucked and is unrealistic. 


	2. planning

My Fault-part two by blondie cdiminyatz@hotmail.com Please review.I'm warning u though.this is my first ER fanfic.and I own nothing so please don't sue  
  
*this is supposed to take place after Ella took Rachel's ecstasy and is in the hospital.*  
  
I walked out of the room quickly after checking to make sure I didn't recognize anyone. I glanced down the hall at the room Ella was in. My father and stepmother both sat in there staring at her as she desperately tried to live off of machines.machines that I hooked her up too. I might as well have handed her the bag of ecstasy and watched her each candy-like pill one by one.  
  
I had to get out of there. I decided to take the fire escape on the second floor to avoid running into anyone on the ER. Then I'd take the El to my house to get a few clothes and some money. then I'd take it again but to another city.the farthest I could get from here.  
  
****  
  
I sat on the El listening to my CD player.I couldn't have told you what song it was or even what CD it was. Because while I was tuning out all of my feelings and everything else that was going on around, I also had to tune out the music.  
  
****  
  
A few hours and cities later I was trying to decide how to do it. I needed to do it completely. I couldn't end up paralyzed and living off of a machine in a hospital. Plus I wanted to do it without feeling too much pain. Or did I? The Old Rachel had always wanted to die as peacefully as possible, sleeping on a comfy bed surrounding by fat grandchildren maybe. But that was the Old Rachel, the one who didn't almost kill their half sisters, accidentally or not. The New Rachel deserved a certain amount of pain. What would it matter anyway? It would only last for what.seconds? Minutes at the most?  
  
Pain was no longer an issue. As long as it was done right, how much it hurt to do it no longer mattered.  
  
*********  
  
Mark Green got off the elevator onto the ER floor when he saw just the person he was looking for.  
  
"Carter! Have you seen Rachel anywhere?" Mark asked him as they both walked through the usually quiet ER hallways.  
  
"No, she might have gone home but someone would have seen her leave through here. Ask Randi if she saw her." He said as he walked into an exam room and left Mark walking by himself toward the young women reading a cosmo.  
  
"Randi, have you seen my daughter leave here in the past few hours?" he asked her as she looked up from her sex article.  
  
"No, I thought she was with you. Check the lounge and the cafeteria. If she's not in those places then she probably just fell asleep somewhere." Randi said calmly as she went back to her dirty women's magazine.  
  
Mark began walking towards the lounge but had a strange feeling that he wouldn't find her there.  
  
********* I instantly thought that shooting myself in the head would be the most quick and sure fire way to die. You can't bring them back after that, not after their brain has a hole blown through it. But the problem with that was that then I would have to get a gun, and a gun permit, and that would take weeks and money and I seriously doubt they sell guns to minors. I could always get one illegally, but then I would have to deal with criminals. So that idea was automatically out.  
  
The second idea that came to me was pills. How ironic, the one thing I never wanted to see again was the only thing I had to get my hands on. I knew prescription pills would be best for that and that mixing them would make it more difficult to treat me should I be found while I'm still alive.  
  
Then a horrible idea came to my head. What if they flew me to my dad's hospital? What if I ended up dying there? What if they SAVED ME?!  
  
I couldn't let that happen. With that in mind, I got off at the next stop and saw a bus stop nearby. I had plenty of money and time. I could get a few states away, then my chances of running into anyone I know or my father knows would be slimmer.  
  
****  
  
I bought my ticket and took a window seat on the bus. I was headed for Seattle. Why did that city sound so familiar to me? Probably from The Real World. It was always so gloomy and rainy there.  
  
It was the perfect city to die in. Sure, the doctors there may end up trying to save me, but when they lose me-I'm just another Jane Doe to them, another suicide victim for the morgue.  
  
And I was ready for it. I would be in a town where no one would know nor care about me.  
  
Or so I thought. 


End file.
